About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
A small tragedy.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.