If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Mornin
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.