him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out