[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
You Might Also Like
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative