I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Stop.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
This is the one