Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”