People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
can’t talk my ride’s here
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
This is Sparta
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.