Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Only short people can save us