[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
You Might Also Like
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Message from the dog groomers
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!