When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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Me: Same.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯