If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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The pasta is now
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
that de-escalated quickly
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive