I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.