Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.