Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Stop.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas