I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready