I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin