If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.