Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.