At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
He just like my cat fr
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice