-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
X-tra spooky blend
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Worst bar ever.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition