me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!