Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Has science gone too far?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.