when u come home smelling like another dog
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*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.