Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
bugs when you lift up a rock
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?