Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
FINE, I WON’T.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
🤔😂😂
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*has no idea what a book even is*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.