when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.