computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)