Clients after you give them your rates
You Might Also Like
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Breaking news:
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.