Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.