*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.