My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are