If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
You Might Also Like
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.