[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.