Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!