*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?