How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry