My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.