Scream sneezers need love too.
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Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”