My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
New Tinder profile.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.