My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Effort made
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
nobody’s gonna understand
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40