Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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That’s fair
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
So, can we agree on 4 or
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Bring back the McRib
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.