cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Google reviews are always so mixed..
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Admin smashed it 😂
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.