Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do