If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
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[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I have a type: disappointing
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human