Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!