My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.