My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
(Gaming support cat.)
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby