My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Am I having a stroke?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding