Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
dutch is not a serious language
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”