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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
a public service announcement
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.